I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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