I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
