I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize