i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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