Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I had to cum in my sink.
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