can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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