I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
