I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She told me I should be a condom model.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
