I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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