Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
