he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
