I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
