I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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