so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
