So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
