i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
