I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
