Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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