My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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