totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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