so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
