Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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