the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
