Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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