1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
