hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
