I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
