My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize