Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
