DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
