I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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