I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
