Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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