mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
