So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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