i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
