all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
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