What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
