I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
