He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
