you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
