I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
