Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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