Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
