There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
