they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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