Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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