That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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