Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
