Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
