I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
