HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
