Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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