Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
